I have to say the whole getting sick thing took me by surprise. I am finally feeling better. I am figuring out that being sick is a trigger. For the most part over the years I would subside from chewing while I was sick. Not completely but probably 25 to 50 percent of what I normally consumed.
When I started to feel better my body would naturally begin to require more nicotine. I have been without chew for about 23 days now. As soon as I started to feel better I went into withdrawals again. This time it was the depression phase of withdrawal that was the most overwhelming. I couldn’t get past it. I just wanted to cover up and ignore everything. I was pissed at the world and was trying very hard not to take it out on everyone around me. The signs: “Don’t Poke the Bear!!!” and “Do Not Tap on the Glass!!!” come to mind.
Day 27- I got side tracked
I now know this to be a fallacy. It wasn’t a fresh breath of air; it was the metaphorical act of holding her breath and closing her eyes. Hoping things come out right in the end. The act of smoking 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day for thirty some years and wondering why you can’t stop coughing. Then spending hundreds of dollars to quit. With no accountability for her actions beyond, “Well I thought I was ready to quit this time.” Turning into this unrecognizable cretin while taking Chantix. And blaming her entire family for not supporting her; looking for anything to fault anyone for anything no matter how insignificant. All the while she continued to smoke at least a pack a day while taking the pills, never ever attempting to actually stop smoking but only actually slowing down a little for a month or so.
While looking for that quick fix she went to a hypnotist this summer. After 3 sessions over the course of a month she was left so raw emotionally that she couldn’t help but destroy what was left of our relationship. Every issue she's ever had with any man in her life and the issues we've had over the last 8 years were now like having grains of sand driven into her eye for each and every item. In an effort to get away from it all she and the (now) boyfriend decided to go gallivanting across the country side all the way to Canada. And now what reached a climax three months ago continues on today.
When I started to feel better my body would naturally begin to require more nicotine. I have been without chew for about 23 days now. As soon as I started to feel better I went into withdrawals again. This time it was the depression phase of withdrawal that was the most overwhelming. I couldn’t get past it. I just wanted to cover up and ignore everything. I was pissed at the world and was trying very hard not to take it out on everyone around me. The signs: “Don’t Poke the Bear!!!” and “Do Not Tap on the Glass!!!” come to mind.
Day 27- I got side tracked
The weather is changing here. This is a beautiful time in Iowa but it also means winter is coming and snow is around the corner. The leaves have changed colors and are falling off the trees. I’m wondering now if this has anything to do with my current state of mind as well. When I quit in 2001 it was spring. It was a time of renewal. My life was in a state of turmoil but the future was looking brighter, I met a woman whom seemed to take everything with a fresh breath of air and jump in head first with reckless abandon.
I now know this to be a fallacy. It wasn’t a fresh breath of air; it was the metaphorical act of holding her breath and closing her eyes. Hoping things come out right in the end. The act of smoking 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day for thirty some years and wondering why you can’t stop coughing. Then spending hundreds of dollars to quit. With no accountability for her actions beyond, “Well I thought I was ready to quit this time.” Turning into this unrecognizable cretin while taking Chantix. And blaming her entire family for not supporting her; looking for anything to fault anyone for anything no matter how insignificant. All the while she continued to smoke at least a pack a day while taking the pills, never ever attempting to actually stop smoking but only actually slowing down a little for a month or so.
While looking for that quick fix she went to a hypnotist this summer. After 3 sessions over the course of a month she was left so raw emotionally that she couldn’t help but destroy what was left of our relationship. Every issue she's ever had with any man in her life and the issues we've had over the last 8 years were now like having grains of sand driven into her eye for each and every item. In an effort to get away from it all she and the (now) boyfriend decided to go gallivanting across the country side all the way to Canada. And now what reached a climax three months ago continues on today.
Her implosion continues while our divorce expands. Her new love affair with a (then) child she helped raise flourishes and grows. Our children have begun to accept the relationship as normalcy. And so we (her and I) co-exist (in the same house) throughout the week and then go our separate ways for the weekends. We have adjusted the custody arrangements with our previous ex- spouses to accommodate the new circumstances. Allowing for opposing weekends and still maintaining a relationship between our other children (hers and mine) and the youngest (ours). And so we move on.
Why present all of this here? Well to be honest I don't know beyond the fact that this is personally therapeutic and I can see this as being beneficial to others. Also, for those of you that are considering the next phase of your addiction; look at what I have undergone and am undergoing. If you are thinking of taking up tobacco, don’t. If you are thinking of quitting, do; and don’t excuse yourself out of it. When you are ready to quit you will know it, you will absolutely know it. It isn’t up to anyone else for you to break this addiction. It isn’t up to anyone else to support you through it; although that can be very beneficial. Ultimately, if I can go through everything that I am going through right now and still quit. So can any of you that are considering stopping. And by the way, I “want” a dip right now as I write this. But, in the words of George Bush, “…Not gonna do it.” In case I haven't said this before, there is no quick fix, no drug can make you quit, no amount of hypnosis or other therapy can make you quit. You are in charge of you and it is up to you to take responsibility and hold yourself accountable for your own actions.
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