Day 30 - The end of this journey and The beginning of the next

Today is the last day of my quest. First of all, I need to begin by saying, I began this quest with the expectation that I would succeed. I have been a user of chewing tobacco for 27 years. Many people that quit tobacco after that many years decide to quit with the expectation that they will fail. This mentality is counter-productive. It is not only self-defeating to start something with this mind set, but it ends up a self-fulfilling prophecy when you actually do fail. Additionally if you succeed, you’ve contradicted yourself and also undermined any success you may be experiencing, so why do that?

Withdrawal, anxiety, depression, mood swings, acceptance, bargaining, grief; are all stages and symptoms you may experience during your voyage. Hands down the first 3 to 5 days were the worst physically and always will be. I knew that withdrawals could last two weeks to two months; with the first couple of weeks being the worst emotionally. I knew that I would need some form of replacement therapy to help me get through this experience successfully. And I accepted that at some point I would probably have to switch up and change tactics.

The amount of success you feel during and following a tobacco cessation quest; depends largely on how prepared you are for your quest. I have been through this once before. So to say the least I was very prepared. I knew at the very onset, that this experience was going to feel like hell on earth. And yes by the way it did feel just like that. An individual will experience varying degrees of the stages of cessation that I have expressed in this blog. Also there may actually be more that I have missed.

 I have actually quit one other time which was back in 2001. This was for the period of about 6 months. The first question everyone asks is, “Why did you start back up?” I started back up after an altercation between me and my soon to be ex-wife’s (now) ex-husband. It was either that or I go to jail, because I couldn’t calm down and going to the ER for a sedative wasn’t an option.

How can a dip prevent you from going to jail? Well, truth is, chew can be very calming to a chewer. It can work much like a sedative with instant relaxation ensuing upon placing one single (mmmmm) pinch between your cheek and your gum. Hell they’ve written songs about it. (Thanks Joe Walsh for making quitting that much harder, “All Night Long”) Imagine every one of your pleasure receptors in you brain going "AHHhHhhHhhhh...."

I was well prepared for my quest. The only things that took me by surprise were getting sick and the power my soon-to-be ex-wife actually has over my emotions and my emotional balance. I developed thrush after the first 2 weeks due to over use of Altoids. This took a lot of wind out of my sails.

I fought through being sick and the side-effects of the medicine the doctor prescribed to get rid of the infection for almost 2 weeks. Only to be bombarded emotionally the rest of the time by my soon-to-be ex-wife. She has managed to pick a fight every day for the last 10 days.

We literally haven’t been able to make it 24 hrs without a huge fight over something. She asked for a divorce in August but, until the end of last week there has been nothing for rent here in Guthrie that would accommodate a single dad with 3 kids.

Now that I’ve started to put down deposits on utilities and the rental property, it’s starting to get real for her. That and the fact that Mr. Passive isn’t passive anymore, why should I be? Obviously letting stuff slide off of me hasn’t worked thus far. Now that’s not to say that I’m using my quitting chew as an excuse to be an ass because I haven’t. I just don’t hold back anymore. It’s a reactive thing; she gets what she gives.

One of the most important steps of quitting is figuring out what your triggers are and developing techniques that circumvent these triggers. A trigger is something that is part of your daily routine or perhaps not even daily but something that would normally cause you to desire tobacco. My triggers would be:

1.      Waking up

2.      After eating pretty much anything.

3.      Drinking caffeinated products.

4.      Not having a can of chew in my front pocket. (huge one, oh man I feel naked)

5.      Driving. (If you’ve ever experienced road rage, you haven’t lived until you’ve done so while having a nic fit, my steering wheel will never be the same.)

6.      My soon-to-be ex-wife. (Oh ya, she gets me going and I just want a big ole fat dip.)

7.      Stress

8.      Illness (This one took me by surprise.)

Once you have established your triggers you have to counteract the effects of nicotine withdrawal by supplementing your habit. This can take many forms:

These contain actual nicotine which is taken with the expectation that you wean yourself off of the products. I never understood this as many of my friends, family members, or people I've met have ended up addicted to both the replacement and the original (i.e. Cigarettes and / or chew).

1.      Nicotine gum

2.      Nicotine lozenges

3.      Nicotine patches

4.      Electronic Cigarettes for smokers (they don’t have electronic chew, sorry)

5.      Chew for cigarettes or cigarettes for chew (highly NOT recommended under any circumstances)

Non-Nicotine replacements

6.      Gum

7.      Hard candy

8.      Jerky

9.      Licorice

10.  Mints

11.  Etc.

Other replacements

12.  Chantix

13.  Anti-depressants

14.  Hypnotherapy

15.  Psycho-therapy

Prior to this quest I felt that non-nicotine replacements were the only acceptable and reasonable replacement except psycho-therapy. The main reason is that it doesn’t make sense to me to put more chemicals into your body. Secondly, I feel like hypnotherapy is more like quackery. Having seen the effects of Chantix and Hypnotherapy first hand you would be hard pressed to convince me that these are acceptable solutions. However following the development of thrush with the over use of mints I would probably consider a nicotine replacement as long as it was extremely low dose. The expectation would be that I feel the withdrawal, just not as intensely.

There are no quick fixes. There is no way around that fact. The easiest way to quit tobacco is not to begin using it, pure and simple. If you already use tobacco, quit now. Don’t lull yourself into believing that you can quit whenever you want because nicotine will keep sucking you back in. I did that when I was in high school. Saying to myself,  “Ah, I don’t chew because I need it I chew because I want to…”, or the infamous, “I can quit anytime, I’ll just stop, but for now it’s fine.” Get real, you are addicted if you ever thought or said either of those statements or something similar.

I now embark on the next part of my journey. What is that you ask? Well my goal thus far was to quit tobacco over the last thirty days. Although I have good days and bad days I haven’t taken up its use since I quit. No not even once, I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. I have successfully proven that I can quit. Now the new goal is to stay tobacco free, for good. If I take it one day at time and maintain my focus on the reality that nicotine is bad, I can do this. It has been a pleasure talking to all of you and I plan on checking back in from time to time to post updates. Good luck to all you.

Day 27 – Coming down the home stretch

            I have to say the whole getting sick thing took me by surprise. I am finally feeling better. I am figuring out that being sick is a trigger. For the most part over the years I would subside from chewing while I was sick. Not completely but probably 25 to 50 percent of what I normally consumed.

            When I started to feel better my body would naturally begin to require more nicotine. I have been without chew for about 23 days now. As soon as I started to feel better I went into withdrawals again. This time it was the depression phase of withdrawal that was the most overwhelming. I couldn’t get past it. I just wanted to cover up and ignore everything.  I was pissed at the world and was trying very hard not to take it out on everyone around me. The signs: “Don’t Poke the Bear!!!” and “Do Not Tap on the Glass!!!” come to mind.

 Day 27- I got side tracked

The weather is changing here.  This is a beautiful time in Iowa but it also means winter is coming and snow is around the corner. The leaves have changed colors and are falling off the trees. I’m wondering now if this has anything to do with my current state of mind as well. When I quit in 2001 it was spring. It was a time of renewal. My life was in a state of turmoil but the future was looking brighter, I met a woman whom seemed to take everything with a fresh breath of air and jump in head first with reckless abandon.

            I now know this to be a fallacy. It wasn’t a fresh breath of air; it was the metaphorical act of holding her breath and closing her eyes. Hoping things come out right in the end. The act of smoking 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes a day for thirty some years and wondering why you can’t stop coughing. Then spending hundreds of dollars to quit. With no accountability for her actions beyond, “Well I thought I was ready to quit this time.” Turning into this unrecognizable cretin while taking Chantix. And blaming her entire family for not supporting her; looking for anything to fault anyone for anything no matter how insignificant.  All the while she continued to smoke at least a pack a day while taking the pills, never ever attempting to actually stop smoking but only actually slowing down a little for a month or so.

            While looking for that quick fix she went to a hypnotist this summer. After 3 sessions over the course of a month she was left so raw emotionally that she couldn’t help but destroy what was left of our relationship. Every issue she's ever had with any man in her life and the issues we've had over the last 8 years were now like having grains of sand driven into her eye for each and every item. In an effort to get away from it all she and the (now) boyfriend decided to go gallivanting across the country side all the way to Canada. And now what reached a climax three months ago continues on today.

Her implosion continues while our divorce expands. Her new love affair with a (then) child she helped raise flourishes and grows. Our children have begun to accept the relationship as normalcy. And so we (her and I) co-exist (in the same house) throughout the week and then go our separate ways for the weekends. We have adjusted the custody arrangements with our previous ex- spouses to accommodate the new circumstances. Allowing for opposing weekends and still maintaining a relationship between our other children (hers and mine) and the youngest (ours). And so we move on.

Why present all of this here? Well to be honest I don't know beyond the fact that this is personally therapeutic and I can see this as being beneficial to others. Also, for those of you that are considering the next phase of your addiction; look at what I have undergone and am undergoing. If you are thinking of taking up tobacco, don’t. If you are thinking of quitting, do; and don’t excuse yourself out of it. When you are ready to quit you will know it, you will absolutely know it. It isn’t up to anyone else for you to break this addiction. It isn’t up to anyone else to support you through it; although that can be very beneficial. Ultimately, if I can go through everything that I am going through right now and still quit. So can any of you that are considering stopping. And by the way, I “want” a dip right now as I write this. But, in the words of George Bush, “…Not gonna do it.” In case I haven't said this before, there is no quick fix, no drug can make you quit, no amount of hypnosis or other therapy can make you quit. You are in charge of you and it is up to you to take responsibility and hold yourself accountable for your own actions.

Day 26- Doing some Arithmetic.

I hadn't recently considered the math of chewing tobacco. I mean -- I know what it costs to buy a can of chew. That's not hard to think about but to really understand the mathematics involved? Not even close, no one thinks about that stuff.

I purchased chew at Quick Trip for approximately $40 a roll thus translating to $4 per can. To buy it individually at a convenience store would cost nearly $6 per can, unless it were on “sale” or on “special”. If I chewed exactly 1 can per day that would translate to exactly 365 cans per year which equals $1460 plus tax which equals about $1550 at an average sales tax of 6%.

Then there is the “while I’m here” factor. What’s that you ask? This factor references, “While I’m here I should get something to drink.” “Oh, while I’m here I should get something to eat and while here I should get something for later.” So $2.50 for a couple pops, $5 - $7 for food or junk rather. So let’s say for argument’s sake it cost an additional $10 with tax which would manifest itself into my wallet at least once per week. Thus, 365 cans divided by 10 cans per roll = 36.5 which translates to an additional 37 purchases times $10 which = $370. So now we are at $1550 + $370 = $1900 approx.

Now let’s factor time, it takes 10 minutes per purchase on average. 10 minutes times 37 purchases is about 370 minutes. Multiply that by a standard rate for a carpenter of $25 / hour = Another $154. Thus bringing the grand total to $2070.

To recap we have:      $1550 – Chew

                                $370 – Additional purchases

                                $150 – Lost time

                                $2070 Grand total

This is of course averaged and approximated throughout the year.

To put this total into perspective, a monthly average = $172.50 per month. My used car payment is only $158 per month.

There were some days I would use more than a can of chew per day. There would be some days that I would use less. Surprisingly I never graduated to any higher level of consumption. In addition, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who chewed more than I did either.

Day 21 – Been sick for a week now

            I have been sick for a week now. I have had my good days and my bad days, well no let me rephrase that I’ve had my bad days and I’ve had my worse days. I thought I was improving with the medicine but I found out different. It’s still making me sick, I’m glad it’s almost gone and the stuff in my mouth and throat appear to be gone.

On top of that, I’ve been immersed in a research paper for the better part of 2 weeks. I must be absolutely insane to have undertaken a quest of this magnitude. 9 books countless websites all in the interest of getting a good grade and once I turned in the paper, it occurs to me that the paper sucks and would likely score an F. Now back to the insane part, one of the most important parts of quitting smoking or chew or whatever, is forgetting about it at some point and the sooner the better. You change your habits, you develop new routines, and you pacify your brain all in the interest of reprogramming yourself.

            Makes sense right? One thing you don’t do is immerse yourself in a project that forces you to contemplate your addiction for every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the better part of 2 weeks. And then getting sick from one of my replacements and have stayed sick from the medicines that are supposed to make me well. All this research and feeling like crap, and all the sudden I’m thinking smoking sounds pretty good right now.

            No, I’m not going out to buy a pack and a lighter. I’ve suffered through this much I’m not going to give up that easily. But it is incredibly difficult to focus on anything else, right now and really hard not to be irritable. Something I swore I would do my absolute best not to do. Besides that, as I have stated before I hate smoking that’s why I took up chew. Although now that I think about it, I don’t know why I took up chew instead. The first time I put it in I lost my cookies within about 15 minutes.

            I had a few friends that chewed but I wasn’t the kind of kid that went out of my way to fit in. I was gullible though. Perhaps it was my cousin talking me into it, or wanting to do it himself and bringing me along for the ride. I don’t know. End result, 27 years of addiction. I’ve heard lately how much worse it is for chewers to quit because they get nicotine nearly all the time. I would agree with that concept except I’ve never smoked so I can’t attest to how hard it is to stopping smoking.

            I can attest to one point though Nystatin Oral susp. is nasty crap. It tastes ok, it goes down fine and gives you the illusion that its good stuff. Then next thing you know you feel like hell. My head hurts, my stomach starts feeling queasy, and then I start to feel nauseated. If I don’t go lay down I end up throwing up. Sometimes I end up vomiting any way. I’ve gotten use to the crap now, so I don’t vomit much anymore but just damn near. I have to do this 4 times a day. I’ve got one more dose and then I think I’m going to stop. Going through all of this makes me so tired but I can’t sleep so I try to do my homework and I can’t stay awake, back and forth back and forth.  I think I’ll go try now.

Day 17 - Who Cares how many hours - Being sick sucks!

For those of you following along with my tobacco cessation quest. Last Friday I developed a medical condition in my mouth. Of course this brought about a great deal of concern from inside of me. I was wondering (was scared shitless about) what it could be. There is nothing like a good anxiety attack to get you going. Being somewhat impatient and conscious I decided to let my fingers do the walking. Needless to say the Internet is an awesome tool. Something that might take several hours or days to research now can be confirmed within a few minutes; if you look in the right places. Look in the wrong places and you could end up jumping off a bridge. By that I mean you could end up with the wrong diagnosis over a current medical condition.

There are those of you that will say “Let the Doctor’s do the diagnosis.” And to that I respond, “Absolutely! I totally agree with you.” However, it was Friday night and I had to know. So what I found were some gruesome tales, even more gruesome pictures and a whole lot of information to process. So why bother, Right? Truth is when I completed my rudimentary diagnosis I determined first and foremost, that I needed to go to the doctor. This condition regardless of what ailment it was was not going away on its own. I decided that it was most likely brought on by quitting chew and the over consumption of the Altoids and that it was most likely Thrush. I had never heard of Thrush. It is simply a yeast infection. It is very much the same as a common female condition, except this was in my mouth. In fact the active ingredient in Monistat is the same active ingredient in pills and liquid they use to treat Thrush. If thrush reaches the digestive tract and the blood system it can wreak all kinds of havoc. Including liver failure, kidney failure, on and on and on…. my initial determination was that if it had not improved over the weekend then I would go to the doctor.

When I had completed my prognosis I decided I would be going regardless. As it turned out it had progressed into my throat and down my esophagus and possible as far as my stomach. I could actually feel its progress. It got to the point that it felt like food was stuck in my throat, I could hardly swallow, and I had the sensation of a marble sitting on top of the “valve” to my stomach.

The earliest they could fit me in was Monday at 3:00pm. The nurse put me through all the basics and then asked what the problem was. I couldn’t resist, I stuck my tongue out at her, and once her eyes focused she kind of backed off a little and said “ok then, huge nasty looking furry spotted tongue, we have a new doctor do you mind if we send her in?" I said "Not at all." I just wanted this thing diagnosed and treated. The doctor came in a few minutes later and said she wanted me to stick out my tongue. She asked me a bunch of questions as she inspected it. I informed her that I’d quit chewing and that I’d been without chew for well over a week. She then left and came back with my regular doctor who asked me to show her too. By this time I felt like a circus freak, “The hairy tongued frog man”. My regular doctor says rather abruptly and with raised voice, “Stop the lozenges!” To which I responded in kind,” I already have!” And she said “Good, let me write you a script for the patches”, referring to nicotine patches. I told her, “No that’s ok I’m past most of the withdrawal now, and I’d rather not." She then wrote a script for the pills (fluconazole) and a liquid (Nystatin) to swish and swallow until after the Thrush appeared to be gone.

The pills weren't so bad there were two of them and they were to be taken 1 a day for 2 days, no big deal. The oral rinse on the other hand, said it could give me headaches, make me nauseated and cause vomiting. It has caused all three in varying degrees all week. It’s finally subsiding but it's still not very fun. I can attest to everything they said might happen on the information sheet, does. To top it off I have to take this for 48 hours after resolution. Which means once you think it's gone, take some more and if you run out come get another bottle just so you can take some more. Apparently yeast infection is pretty resilient and likes to hide so they over treat it just to make sure it’s gone. On the bright side it tastes ok, well at least it does the first time.

 Stopping tobacco sucks but going overboard on the Altoids made it worse. I’m still tobacco free. But this was pretty freaky. The Altoids were barely a success this time. I don’t think I would consider doing this with the Altoids again or at least not by themselves. Let’s hope I never have to. The Thrush meds said they would make me sick and they have. I’ve been nauseated and ill since Monday night. I cannot wait for this stuff to be gone

Roma's Interview

 Roma’s Interview

            I’m sitting here with no idea where to begin. We’ve been seeing Roma for several years now. She is one person I trust explicitly to give it to me straight and won’t use what I say as a weapon against me. Roma is our family counselor and marriage counselor. I’ve decided to turn the tables around and ask questions of her for a change. I want to know why a knowledgeable psychotherapist would allow an addiction to control her life.  Why hasn’t she quit after all these years?

I called her up and explained my situation, and that I needed her help. She stated “Come on over, I don’t have any clients right now.” So I headed out the door. “Wow she is so cool,” I thought to myself. My head was reeling with questions as I drove to her house. It’s a blue with brick veneer, ranch style home with a two car garage and a walk-out basement that has been remodeled into an apartment for her mother, Marie. Marie by the way is in her 90’s and legally blind. Roma and her husband live up stairs and Marie lives downstairs. They have people come in to take care of her during the day. Thus she has ‘round the clock care this way but doesn’t have to live in a nursing home.

           

After I knocked on the door she came and opened it slightly and then proceeded to walk back into her office saying, “Come on in.”  Inside it is your average home; not too fancy but nice and well kept. Not that you would expect anything less, she’s a professional.

I walked into what most would call the living room, which she uses as her office. This is where she practices. Her glider rocker with matching ottoman, are placed almost exactly in the center of the room facing a couch on one wall. She has her coffee table or night stand next to her. The Couch is not your stereotypical psychiatrist’s couch, but a big fluffy f-leather (fake leather) couch, so fluffy that I felt like I was going to get lost in it. While sitting here I realized that the footrest / coffee table is actually an old leather trunk. I find it amazing how after all these years I never really paid much attention.

We sat there talking for some time about my quitting tobacco use and how I hadn’t told my soon-to-be ex-wife what I was doing. Which she responded, “So why do you think that is?” As I started to explain my position on the matter, I stopped myself and started to laugh. She smiled curiously back at me and asked, “What is it?” As I replied, “I’m supposed to be interviewing you, remember?”  She laughed and said, “Ok let’s get to it then.”

As I began my series of questions I became very aware of how little I really knew about this woman. For instance, on the wall as she pointed out, she has prominently displayed three certificates, one from the state of Iowa proving the LISW on her title (Licensed Iowa Social Worker). Another proving her master’s degree in Social Work. The third of which I found quite intriguing, a blue belt certificate in the martial art of Kung Fu.  So if I get out of line she really can put me in my place.

Not that I would have ever doubted that notion anyway, she’s your typical Iowa farm girl. Being a woman in her late fifties to early sixties, she still looks to be a very stout woman. I think she would stand out in a crowd, but not because of her auburn colored hair, or her sometimes unique attire, but because she carries this presence with her. It is this presence that I find very calming. She can usually put me at ease even when the conversation is leading somewhere outside of my comfort zone.

I found it amazing that she was also quite at ease talking to me about herself. I found out that she started smoking when she was eighteen and in college away from home for the first time. She bought a pack of cigarettes and made herself smoke, she thought it would make her look more sophisticated; “more cosmopolitan” as she described it. After she’d learned how to smoke and in an attempt at impressing him, she began smoking with her boyfriend who was 3 years older.

I found it interesting too, that although I knew she smoked, I did not know she hid it from her family, especially her mom. I asked her why but she didn’t really know, she just wasn’t comfortable smoking around them.

She has quit smoking three times. The first time was cold turkey. She said, “It was awful! Never again.” The second time she used nicotine patches and according to her, “They worked the best.” The third time she used the infamous Chantix. It gave her diarrhea and made her grumpy. I can attest to the effects of Chantix first hand (well second hand actually) my wife turned into this incorrigible monster while she was taking it. I became a walking target of aggression. I believe it gave her diarrhea as well.

I initiated a conversation about hypnosis. But the only comment she would go on record with was, “From what I understand, hypnosis therapy can leave you in a very raw emotional state.”  Personally, I think that is probably true of any therapy, you’re in your therapists hands so to speak and it’s up to them to recognize whether or not you are in a stable state before they let you leave the session.

As Roma stated, “I blame myself for my smoking habit. You have to want to quit or you’ll never succeed.” She’s almost embarrassed about her addiction. We agree that if you don’t truly want to quit tobacco, then there is no point in paying out large sums of money in an effort to find a quick fix. There is no quick fix. It takes a concentrated effort and absolute commitment to stop. It takes no more than a lapse in judgment and a few seconds to re-start.

I walked into this interview wanting answers. How could she allow herself to be controlled by this addiction? When I walked away, I understood, she’s human. She wasn’t a therapist when she started smoking; she was a smoker that started practicing psychotherapy and she’s good at what she does. So many professionals out there succumb to the pressures and stressors of their lives; they resort to illicit and illegal forms of addiction. Smoking is legal, and she was of legal age when she started.  I would guess that’s better than most tobacco users can say.

Day 12 - alot of hours- Who's idea was this anyway?

Whose idea was this any way? I’ve officially burned a hole in my tongue and given myself a sore throat from the over consumption of Altoids. I’m not surprised. Earlier in the week I commented that one would get tired of their replacement and want to go back to tobacco or move on to another form of replacement. Well fortunately and unfortunately my next form can’t be edible because I have a hole in the back of my tongue and throat. Ok not an actual hole but it feels like it. The area is irritated and raw feeling and swallowing is difficult to say the least, and there is swelling.

Yes if it persists I will have it checked out. Wouldn’t that be ironic? I quit chewing only to find out that I have cancer. That would be incredibly messed up. I understand that the symptoms I am describing also fit with the development of cancer. But the truth is it’s also a big white patch on the back of my tongue that is dissipating the longer I go without the Altoids. And we’ll see if the irritation goes away by the end of the weekend. Also for the record, I went through 24 tins of those Altoids, I got to where I would pop 6 of them at a time, and it’s no wonder why it would be irritated.

Wow those pictures are nasty, talk about real life Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy is coming to get me. The pictures of the cancer look nothing like my tongue. Actually my tongue looks like rush according to the internet picture I found. With a couple white spots on my tonsils looking like strep throat. The white patchy stuff is subsiding. The image to the right is a picture I copied off of the internet with patchy coloration looking like my tongue. The picture to the left is my patchy tongue with the irritated spot in the middle. The area was probably twice as long earlier today. This is as good a reason to quit chew as any. Too many close calls, too many what ifs. I’m glad I quit when I did, wish I’d quit sooner.